Written Literature of Pain

27-02-2018, 09:02 AM

TimeTraveller Wrote: Looks like you put into writing exactly what you were thinking. No abstraction, no glorification, this is pure man.

Thanks TT, and yep, I just wrote down what came to me. When I write I generally don't think about how I write or what I want to say, it just comes to me and I write it. That's the best kind of writing, unless of course you're writing a full blown story.

Bump, giving it a bump cause I'm wanting some more opinions on this.

Dunno why everyone is dickriding this. Very contradictory and repetitive in a lot of places.

27-02-2018, 12:29 AM

Spaceman Wrote: at how people revolve around other things

Yet you're revolving around the desire for change and love.

Quote:what I want, what I want for others, and what I want from others

These are literally the same thing being repeated over and over. Repetitiveness can be good when used properly, this isn't how you use it.

Quote:People may 'care' for me, but on a deeper level no one could give a single shit about how I feel

What deeper level? Never explained, very vague. Be a bit more particular.

Quote:All I want in life is love, to be loved, and to receive love from someone

What's the difference between wanting love, and wanting to receive love from someone? Oh, that's right, there is none, just another rephrasing.

Quote: I may only be 17 and still a kid in the eyes of those around me and the government

From what dimension did you pull the gov't from? I get what you're saying, not being a legal adult, but it doesn't change the fact that there's no mention anywhere else of the gov't and you just pulled it from nowhere, without connecting it to anything else.
Also, double and. Bad practice, use commas.

Quote:I've grown beyond being able to believe in such a system, this is because in the entirety of the universe and the world

Go read "Design" by Robert Frost. Read the last six lines. Try to understand his opinion on the 'design of the universe' and what makes it tick through the use of questioning. Hint: It's nothing. There is no reason. Mankind cannot comprehend nature and the world we're in because there is nothing to comprehend about the universe. There are other opinions on this that are well explained. Read Nietzsche (and not from a "haha life is meaningless we're all gonna die" perspective, read it from Nietzsche's actual perspective.) Read Descartes. You are entitled to your own ideas, but you're not actually explaining the ideas here, and I doubt you actually can if asked.

Quote:People are quick to judge everything about the entirety and existence of everyone else and everything else, simply by how it looks and reacts. No one looks into the bigger picture to see what any-one thing actually means or what it stands for

You know what? Scratch reading 'Design." Read all of Frost's work. Read more, you're still lacking in the perception department.

Quote:think of me for being nothing but a fat, sad, depressed, and lonely bastard who looks like a school shooter. People move away from me in the halls, in public, cross the street, and give me dirty and terrified looks

This isn't about literature. This is me, telling you. If you're disappointed about how people react to you, then change yourself and better yourself. You sound like an edgy teen, and now you're describing that you look like one, and people react to you like you are one. By using all this together I can safely assume you are an edgy teen. Quit being pretentious about it and do something that will make people think of you as a normal person. Because, right now it sounds like you're some kid who can't get laid and blames everyone else for it, when in reality you're the only constant in all cases.

Quote:I hate myself for everything I am, [...]. My heart is so full of love

Contradictory.

The only way you can break through this bad writing cycle is by changing yourself. Experience stuff yourself and find your own authentic individuality by breaking through this contradictory mess.
Also, take a look at a thesaurus or something. Just criticizing the literature aspect, your choice of words is also really repetitive and a bit too colloquial.
And to anyone else reading, please don't encourage this kind of 'literature.' Any edgy teen can rant like this. It seems manufactured by how often you can come across something like this online. there are better ways to express the feelings without using the exact same langauge.

02-03-2018, 06:06 PM

Deadboy Wrote: Dunno why everyone is dickriding this. Very contradictory and repetitive in a lot of places.

Yet you're revolving around the desire for change and love.

These are literally the same thing being repeated over and over. Repetitiveness can be good when used properly, this isn't how you use it.

What deeper level? Never explained, very vague. Be a bit more particular.

What's the difference between wanting love, and wanting to receive love from someone? Oh, that's right, there is none, just another rephrasing.

From what dimension did you pull the gov't from? I get what you're saying, not being a legal adult, but it doesn't change the fact that there's no mention anywhere else of the gov't and you just pulled it from nowhere, without connecting it to anything else.
Also, double and. Bad practice, use commas.

Go read "Design" by Robert Frost. Read the last six lines. Try to understand his opinion on the 'design of the universe' and what makes it tick through the use of questioning. Hint: It's nothing. There is no reason. Mankind cannot comprehend nature and the world we're in because there is nothing to comprehend about the universe. There are other opinions on this that are well explained. Read Nietzsche (and not from a "haha life is meaningless we're all gonna die" perspective, read it from Nietzsche's actual perspective.) Read Descartes. You are entitled to your own ideas, but you're not actually explaining the ideas here, and I doubt you actually can if asked.

You know what? Scratch reading 'Design." Read all of Frost's work. Read more, you're still lacking in the perception department.

This isn't about literature. This is me, telling you. If you're disappointed about how people react to you, then change yourself and better yourself. You sound like an edgy teen, and now you're describing that you look like one, and people react to you like you are one. By using all this together I can safely assume you are an edgy teen. Quit being pretentious about it and do something that will make people think of you as a normal person. Because, right now it sounds like you're some kid who can't get laid and blames everyone else for it, when in reality you're the only constant in all cases.

Contradictory.

The only way you can break through this bad writing cycle is by changing yourself. Experience stuff yourself and find your own authentic individuality by breaking through this contradictory mess.
Also, take a look at a thesaurus or something. Just criticizing the literature aspect, your choice of words is also really repetitive and a bit too colloquial.
And to anyone else reading, please don't encourage this kind of 'literature.' Any edgy teen can rant like this. It seems manufactured by how often you can come across something like this online. there are better ways to express the feelings without using the exact same langauge.

Good tips, thanks for it. Constructive criticism is an eye opener.