Depression

About 2 or 3 years ago i was diagnosed with Mixed anxiety and depressive disorder(F41.2 according to ICD-10) and have experienced the next symptoms, if i am not missing something via lack of self-understanding: asthenia, increased sensitivity to anxiety, dysphoria, awkwardness, guilt and other negative emotions, feeling forceless, helpless and weak when trying to start doing anything, except perfectly neutral things like listening to music, chatting, surfing the social media and etc; Even if i force myself to do so i feel intense sadness in process and even when i finish the task i feel no good. In intense and frightening situations i can even have panic attacks.

The good news are that i have a brain and sometimes i can come to reasonable thoughts. rn im awkward af because it's generally whining about my demons, but if you think about it - not so many people will treat it as such, a bit of self expression is good and maybe someone else will find it an opportunity to speak out about their existential crises.

I have no money to afford specialists of the subjects, and in free government clinics i get football'd the hell out to the psychiatric hospital for a few weeks, i cannot agree to that because my life has problems that need solving or at least participating, i can't just leave. And nicotine addiction, i'll have a bad time surviving 3 weeks without my ciggies. I had a few paid psychiatrist visits, the drugs that they gave me had pretty unstable effects, for example, when i tried out fluoxetine at first it went perfect: 3 days and i had much less anxiety and more motivation to do things, but then after a week i started to feel nauseous and agitated, all my motivation disappeared and i started to feel mixed state of extreme anxiety and dysphoria, when i quit it(i couldn't take it) i got better for a moment, had a withdrawal with same symptoms and finally returned to my original state. I also tried venlafaxine and imipramine, but they in first case didn't work at all and in second case stopped working after a while. Right now i take low-dose fluoxetine with phenibut(self-prescribed)and copious amounts of caffeine capsules just to feel a bit alive.

Second good news: im not going to give up anytime soon, i have my will, just almost no "inner force" to make it real. Doing my best. And also i fought all this time and i think this all started about 2 years before i got diagnosed, so it's a problem, that took 4 years of my time and still persists.

Have you had any experience with mental disease? Maybe you've got some idea to give me an advice. I'll be grateful if you reply to this post and try my best to not forget to check replies and answer them/ Be well