Depression

About 2 or 3 years ago i was diagnosed with Mixed anxiety and depressive disorder(F41.2 according to ICD-10) and have experienced the next symptoms, if i am not missing something via lack of self-understanding: asthenia, increased sensitivity to anxiety, dysphoria, awkwardness, guilt and other negative emotions, feeling forceless, helpless and weak when trying to start doing anything, except perfectly neutral things like listening to music, chatting, surfing the social media and etc; Even if i force myself to do so i feel intense sadness in process and even when i finish the task i feel no good. In intense and frightening situations i can even have panic attacks.

The good news are that i have a brain and sometimes i can come to reasonable thoughts. rn im awkward af because it's generally whining about my demons, but if you think about it - not so many people will treat it as such, a bit of self expression is good and maybe someone else will find it an opportunity to speak out about their existential crises.

I have no money to afford specialists of the subjects, and in free government clinics i get football'd the hell out to the psychiatric hospital for a few weeks, i cannot agree to that because my life has problems that need solving or at least participating, i can't just leave. And nicotine addiction, i'll have a bad time surviving 3 weeks without my ciggies. I had a few paid psychiatrist visits, the drugs that they gave me had pretty unstable effects, for example, when i tried out fluoxetine at first it went perfect: 3 days and i had much less anxiety and more motivation to do things, but then after a week i started to feel nauseous and agitated, all my motivation disappeared and i started to feel mixed state of extreme anxiety and dysphoria, when i quit it(i couldn't take it) i got better for a moment, had a withdrawal with same symptoms and finally returned to my original state. I also tried venlafaxine and imipramine, but they in first case didn't work at all and in second case stopped working after a while. Right now i take low-dose fluoxetine with phenibut(self-prescribed)and copious amounts of caffeine capsules just to feel a bit alive.

Second good news: im not going to give up anytime soon, i have my will, just almost no "inner force" to make it real. Doing my best. And also i fought all this time and i think this all started about 2 years before i got diagnosed, so it's a problem, that took 4 years of my time and still persists.

Have you had any experience with mental disease? Maybe you've got some idea to give me an advice. I'll be grateful if you reply to this post and try my best to not forget to check replies and answer them/ Be well

The main thing I had to keep telling myself, reminding myself during the 3.5 years that depression tried to steal my life away, was that it was alright for me to experience happiness. Even if it was fleeting, even if it was just a laugh, a smile, it was still okay for me to experience those things, even if I felt like the piece of garbage my brain was telling me that I was. Just because I felt worthless, that didn't mean that happiness was off limits or that I didn't deserve it. So little joys like that helped. Also, making a point to not give up on the things that made me who I was. Like, I've always loved reading and writing, creative things, things that require imagination. Depression makes all that stuff really hard, it makes everything hard because of the weight that it's constantly trying to crush you beneath, and if you let it stop you from being you, then crush you it will. So I had to force myself to keep reading, keep writing, and doing those things helped me quite a bit. Whatever it is that makes you you, keep doing it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, however far away it is or seems to be. But it's not going to come to you, you have to keep moving toward it. The depression will tell you that it's too much work. Don't listen. You can make it. And when you don't think you can, find someone to lend you a little strength. Someone's always willing to help, even you're not comfortable sharing everything that you're going through.

Depression is a very scary thing to experience especially when you are very unfamiliar with it .